Betrayal of any kind is a terrible thing to experience, but betrayal within the sacred vows of marriage is heartrending. Your entire world shatters as you come to realize that everything you once believed is a lie. It’s a confusing, overwhelming time when even simple tasks seem to require impossible energy.

When a friend experiences this kind of pain, it’s hard to know how to help—what to say, what to do.

In the first article in this series, I shared the feelings of betrayal and the myriad of emotions assaulting a person going through this pain. I shared the story of losing my marriage and how I felt during that time. It is my intent with the first article to help you understand how your friend feels. You can read it HERE.

Today I will list several practical, everyday ways you can help your friend cope. This list was compiled from my own experience, as well as the experiences of other women who have gone through betrayal in their marriages.

One thing before we dive into the list—women in this situation may find it very difficult to ask for help. We feel like we’re being a burden, and we will often try to solve problems on our own, even though friends have said things like, “call me anytime” or “let me know how I can help.” We DO need the help, even if we find it hard to ask for it.

Practical ways to help a friend whose spouse has been unfaithful:

1. Help with food, especially in the first days and weeks after finding out about her husband’s betrayal. Like I mentioned above, even simple tasks are monumental during this time. It’s all she can do to keep herself and her children dressed and fed. Text her that you’re dropping off a casserole for supper. Prepare meals she can pull out of the freezer. Grab some premade items for her kids’ school lunches, and while you’re at it, buy her favorite treat.

2. Offer to run errands, pick up groceries, or babysit her kids if she would rather run the errands herself. Throughout your week, check with her to see if she needs you to pick up anything if you are heading out.

3. Send LOTS of encouragement her way. Text verses of encouragement. Save inspirational memes to your phone and send them to her. Write cards and notes of encouragement. If you don’t know what to write, simply saying “I love you, I’m here for you, I’m praying for you” will be enough. (On a personal note, I have every single card, letter, and note that was sent to me during this time in my life. I cherish these tangible expressions of love.)

4. Be willing to listen without judgment. “What you should have done” conversations are not helpful and only rub salt in her open wounds.

5. Be very careful about giving her advice. Usually the best practice is to let lawyers give legal advice, and let qualified counselors give marriage advice. Be willing to listen and love without necessarily telling her what she should do. The same goes for her children. If they want to talk about the situation with you, ask permission from your friend first.

6. Don’t allow others to speak badly about your friend. It’s very easy for people outside the situation to judge, and these hurtful comments often get back to her. She does not need any more pain on top of what she is already going through.

7. Look for ways to boost her self-esteem. Compliment her, give her a gift card to get her hair or nails done, or buy a small thinking-of-you gift. I as I mentioned in my previous article, she feels extremely unattractive and blames herself for her husband’s sin.

8. Check in with her often. Perhaps even arrange a signal (such as a certain emoji) that she can text you if she feels desperate and needs to talk.

The rest of the list includes ways you can help if your friend loses her marriage.

9. Offer to attend court or to sit with her as she meets with lawyers. The legalities of divorce and child custody are extremely stressful, and she desperately needs support during this time.

10. Realize that in a divorce, she doesn’t just lose her husband. She loses his family, many mutual friendships, and the family gatherings and holidays she’s always been a part of.

11. Remember that all the household chores now fall to her. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, and homework duty must be taken care of by her. Add to that mowing, lawn care, upkeep of the house and car, and snow shoveling in winter. If you (or your husband or church family) can help in any of these areas, she will greatly appreciate it.

12. Offer to help with transportation. Even in a two-parent family, it’s difficult to get all the kids to and from school, church, and sports events. It’s doubly difficult for a single mom.

13. In a split-custody situation, check to see that she’s not alone on the holidays when she doesn’t have her children. If she is, invite her to your family gathering. (Christmas is especially hard without her children.)

14. Having a plan for emergencies will be a big relief for her. Help her make one. Who can she call if she gets a flat tire or her car breaks down? Who can help if the furnace suddenly stops working in the middle of the night? Who can assist if she has sick kids and can’t get the day off work? Put together a list of willing friends who are able to volunteer. (True story—I had a gas leak at 10pm one night. The pilot light to my gas water heater was lit, and my boys and I ran outside until I was able to get my brother on the phone and followed his directions to turn the gas off. The next day a deacon from our church capped the gas line and installed an electric water heater by the time I got home from work. Your superheroes may wear capes, but mine mostly wear jeans and flannel shirts.) 🙂

15. Help her kids buy or make cards or gifts for Mother’s Day and her birthday. Until they are older, they will need help in making her day special.

16. If she has boys, help her connect them with men who can do “guy things” with them. Sports, hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, etc. are things they might miss out on. They need positive male role models in their lives.

17. At church gatherings, save a seat for your friend. It is overwhelming and painful to be single in a sea of couples and families, especially in the first few weeks and months following separation or divorce.

18. Be aware that school and sporting events are particularly hard, since her former husband (and often his new girlfriend/wife) are in attendance. One woman shared how her friends would surround her “like a wall” at sporting events, and how it really helped to have their support when she had to be in the same place as her ex husband and his affair partner.

19. Encourage her to do “fun” things. Healing and joy will be a long time in coming, but “pockets of fun,” such as attending a movie or concert or having a girls’ day out, will remind her that there is joy up ahead.

20. Finally—-pray, pray pray. Whenever she comes to mind, pray for her, and let her know that you’re praying.

At the time of this writing, I’ve been a single mum for 6 1/2 years, and I’m so very thankful for the friends, family, and churches (both my church in Australia and my church here in Missouri) who have helped me get through this difficult time. With the Lord by my side and the support around me, I have come to a place of comfort, healing, and joy.

Your friend will get through this—there is light at the end of the tunnel. She will one day find true joy and healing.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there for her.

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

To access ordering information for Gems of Joy, Volume 1, click HERE.

To access ordering information for Tales from Toddlers, click HERE.

To download a free chapter + study guide from Tales from Toddlers, click HERE.

For weekly encouragement sent straight to your inbox, click HERE.

“How can I help my friend? Her husband has been unfaithful to her.” It’s a question that lands in my inbox all too often. I’ve hesitated to write openly about this subject, not because I don’t want to help, but because it requires me to revisit parts of my past that I’d rather leave buried.

But God never wastes pain, and I believe it’s time for me to allow Him to use even these parts of my past for His glory.

Before I begin, I want you to know I’m not a licensed counselor. My school is the school of experience, and the degrees I’ve earned are the scars on my heart. God has brought me to a place of healing, and I share my story with the prayer that it will help others come to that same place of healing.

In 2014, I lost my 16-year marriage to adultery. My husband and I were heavily involved in church and Christian school ministries, and of course those ministries came to an abrupt end. We lived in Australia at the time, and my three sons and I moved back to the States to start over.

Not only did I have to deal with the betrayal and shame of losing my marriage, I also had to help my boys cope with the separation and subsequent divorce, and losing their friends, school, church, home, and native country all in one fell swoop. Add to that the stress of looking for a job, a place to live, and a thousand other details of moving internationally, and I was broken.

No, broken isn’t the right word. I was shattered.

Into so many pieces I feared I would never be whole again.

But through the all-sufficient grace and love of Jesus, and with the faithful help of my friends and family, I now live a life filled with peace and joy. My purpose with this blog post is to give you insight into ways you can help someone living in the aftermath of of their spouse’s adultery.

Although this article is focusing on how you can help others, I’ll also post quick links below to four articles I’ve written on healing—a series is called Silver Linings: Reflections in a Broken Marriage. You can access them here:

It’s Okay to Protect Yourself so You can Heal

In Order to Heal, You must Grieve

Healing Involves Choices

You Won’t Always Feel This Way

In the following paragraphs, I’ll attempt to give you a glimpse into the heart of one who has been betrayed. Please don’t feel like you are unable to help a friend just because you haven’t experienced what she is going through. None of my close friends in Australia experienced adultery, but God used them in amazing ways to help me. Their love was a balm to my broken heart.

Today I’ll share three things your friend is feeling, and three ways you can help her cope with these feelings. In Part Two, I’ll share more practical ways you can encourage her.

One: She feels INTENSE emotional pain.

It’s extremely difficult to fully describe the feelings of betrayal in marriage. I once had a friend ask me how it felt. I said this:

You know those beautiful glass sculptures? Imagine someone swinging a hammer into one, and it splinters into thousands of pieces. The sound of those pieces shattering and raining down—if the pain of my heart had a sound, that would be it. It’s the sound my heart makes every waking moment. The hammer just keeps smashing, and the pieces just keep breaking.

Another way to describe it is this:

It’s like trusting the one you love most to keep you from falling over a steep cliff. He held your hands, looked deeply into your eyes, and pledged that he would never, ever let you fall. He even said he would die for you. But when you stumbled, he didn’t just move out of the way to let you fall over the cliff.

He pushed you.

These are hard descriptions to read, I know. But this is what your friend is feeling. She has been betrayed in the most intimate area of her life, and now she wonders if she ever was truly loved, or if her entire marriage relationship was a lie.

What you can do to help:

Be there for her, grieve with her, hold her, cry with her, and share her pain.

I know it sounds cliche to say, Be there for her. But hear me when I say, she needs you. She cannot carry this intense pain on her own. Our bodies were not created to cope with death (God created Adam and Eve to live in a perfect world), and adultery is the death of trust, the death of a relationship, and often the death of a marriage. We cannot cope with death on our own.

Don’t be afraid to cry with her. She will gain strength from your tears.

I will never forget how my pastor had to pull his car over to the side of the road because he couldn’t see through the tears he shed for me and my family. And I’ll never forget how two of my friends stood in a blackberry patch, pleading with God to help me. Rain began to pour as tears slid down their cheeks, but they stood in the rain, praying and crying for me.

Share your friend’s grief and pain. Your tears will help her heal.

Two: She feels completely unattractive.

I’m not talking about the annoyance of having a bad hair day, or the dissatisfaction we feel when we’ve gained a few pounds. I’m talking about looking in the mirror and absolutely loathing what you see. I’m talking about standing in the shower and hating every inch of yourself. I’m talking about crying gut-wrenching, soul-rending sobs, thinking if I just looked better, he wouldn’t have done it.

(Which is a complete lie, by the way. Adultery isn’t the result of not having an attractive partner or not having one’s needs met. It’s a matter of having a sexual, addictive sin that one refuses to confront.) I know those things now, but I didn’t then, and it took me a long time to accept the fact that the sins of another person/people were not my fault.

What you can do to help:

Reassure your friend that she is both beautiful and loved. Tell her in person, in cards, in text messages. It will be a long time before she believes you, but keep telling her until she does. She may be doubting the love of God, and one of the ways He assures her of His love is through YOU.

Three: She feels physically disoriented, and may need reminders to take care of herself.

I am in no way anorexic, but in the days following our family’s tragedy, I was nearly unable to eat. I simply couldn’t tolerate food, and I dropped six pounds in less than 48 hours. One of my friends noticed, and she did something about it.

Knowing my favorite snack was salted cashews, she bought me a small bag and slipped it to me. She asked to me try to eat one every once in awhile to see if it would coax me back into eating.

It worked. To this day, when I see a bag of cashews, I remember my sweet friend and how she helped get nutrition into my body when I was in too much anguish to care about eating.

In closing, I’d like to share a couple verses that sum up all these things.

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

When experiencing the betrayal of a spouse, the temptation to give up on life—on everything—is very strong. Your friend will not have the desire to get up again when she stumbles. She will have days where she just wants to lie in the mud where she fell and die.

That’s why it’s so important that you stay by her side. She will fall, and if you’re there to help her up, she’ll be okay.

Don’t leave her alone.

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” (II Corinthians 1:3-4)

To access ordering information for Gems of Joy, Volume 1, click HERE.

To access ordering information for Tales from Toddlers, click HERE.

To download a free chapter + study guide from Tales from Toddlers, click HERE.

For weekly encouragement sent straight to your inbox, click HERE.

Part Three: Healing involves choices

I fought it off for months, but it eventually got the best of me.

This past winter was terrible for viruses in our little Ozark town. Sickness invaded churches, schools, and businesses. There was no escape.

Child after child in my daycare went down with stomach bugs and respiratory illnesses. Just as everyone seemed to be getting well, another virus would hit. On and on the cycle continued.

I have a fairly strong immune system, but shortly after Christmas my body couldn’t fight off the constant exposure to the dreaded germs any longer. I was forced to close my daycare and spend a few days in bed.

After the virus had run its course, I felt better—except for one thing.

I struggled to eat. Nothing tasted good, and I just didn’t want to eat.

If I did what I felt like doing, I wouldn’t have eaten.

I had to make a choice—force myself to eat again so my body could fully heal and I could regain my strength.

The same thing is true for our healing after a great loss.

We must choose to take steps to be healed and whole.

Now, I’m not saying you wake up one morning, decide to be healed, and Bam! you’re healed.

Nor am I advocating the belief that those who are grieving should just stop mourning and “get over it.”

I’m not saying that at all.

What I am saying is this:

Healing comes from a series of choices, made day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. 

It’s taking one small step forward at a time.

When I lost my marriage, I didn’t always feel like taking steps toward my healing.

I knew what I needed to do to heal— faithfully attend church with my children, stay in the Word of God, keep close to God in prayer, and stay connected to supportive family and friends.

Some days these choices came easily.

And other days, it was a monumental effort to get out of bed.

I felt like hiding under the covers and never coming out again.

I wanted to shroud myself in the blankets of my grief and give up.

But I didn’t. I knew if I gave up, my life would never be any better. My children needed me to be strong physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If I didn’t heal, how could I help them heal from the trauma of what they had been through?

And so I took those steps forward. Sometimes they were baby steps, like reaching out to a friend when I needed help. Sometimes they were huge leaps of faith, like when I followed God’s leading to move internationally, find a job, and get my children into a new school.

But no matter how big or small, they were choices I had to make to move forward.

If you are wrapped in your grief today, feeling like you’re stuck, I have a suggestion for you.

I encourage you to make a list. Jot down a few things you could do today, tomorrow, and this week to help you move forward in your healing.

It might be as simple as writing an encouraging verse of Scripture on a notecard to carry with you throughout your day. It may be saying “yes” to a friend’s offer of going out for coffee when you’d rather stay home. It might be choosing to dry your own tears and reach out to someone else who is going through a hard time.

Last week I wrote about the importance of grieving and how if we don’t grieve, we can’t heal. But as important as it is to grieve, it’s also important to make good, healthy choices in the midst of that grief.

Because here’s the thing about grief:

As important as it is, you were never meant to stay there. You feel the pain, cry the tears, and pour out your sorrow to God.

Then you look up. You see that He has still given you life, love, and purpose. And even though it’s hard, you take those steps, make those choices—to get through your grief.

I know it’s hard—oh, how I know. I know how the pain cuts and the heart sinks in despair. I know how it feels to have no hope.

But there is hope, my friend. God will get you through this time of grief and despair. Keep trusting Him.

Take a step, even if it’s just a small one. Small steps, taken one at a time, eventually melt into miles.

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. And so it is with the journey of healing.

A journey you do not take on your own, but with your Heavenly Father at your side.

“O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou has healed me.” (Psalm 30:2)

“My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.

Yet the Lord will command his loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.” (Psalm 42: 3,5,8)

For ordering information on my devotional book, Tales from Toddlers, click HERE.

To download the first chapter free of charge, click HERE.

“God, I can’t take this pain anymore. It cuts too deep, and it hurts too much. I need to cry. I need to grieve. I feel as if I’m going to explode. I can’t do this any longer. I just can’t.”

I know I’m not alone in having these thoughts. If you’ve faced a deep loss, you too know the sound of desperate, shattered heart-cries. You know the suffocating grief that presses down upon your chest, making every breath an effort. You know the sharp pain that grips your heart. You know. 

Last week we talked about how it’s okay to protect your wounds so you can heal—how it’s unwise to “keep ripping the bandage off” our wounds until we are healed. (If you missed Part One, you can read it here.)

This week, I’d like to share another truth I learned in my time of healing from my broken marriage. I pray that God will use this truth to comfort you, no matter what kind of pain you are facing today.

Part Two: In order to heal, you must grieve. 

I thought I was tough enough to handle it, but I wasn’t.

Far, far from it.

The truth had come out. Everything I had believed to be true was a lie. The very foundations of my world were ripped out from under me.

I was shattered, and just barely holding it together.

I was betrayed. I wasn’t good enough. I had never been good enough. Was I even loved? Had I ever been loved?

“God, how am I supposed to live like this? How am I supposed to go on?”

But I did. Every morning, I got up. My sons and I prepared for school.

I drove my school bus. I went through the motions of teaching my kindergarten class.

I went home again. Did laundry. Cooked dinner. Packed lunches.

And all the while, turmoil raged within. Sometimes, I felt deep despair. What was the point of even trying anymore?

Sometimes, I felt raging anger. How could this happen to me?

Other times, I felt confusion. What went wrong? I tried so hard—so hard—to do everything right.

And all the time—all the time—I felt deep, deep grief.

But I had a problem: I couldn’t grieve openly. Every single moment of every day I was surrounded by people. Students at school, students on my bus, family at home.

I was never alone.

And so I stuffed all that grief inside.

I never cried. Tried to hide the sadness.

Tried to smile. One foot in front of the other. Just keep going. Just keep hiding the pain. 

This, my friend, is a very dangerous way to live, for God created us with emotions. Emotions are not meant to control our lives, but they are meant to be felt.

If you don’t allow yourself to feel them, eventually it will catch up with you.

When I began to have chest pain, I realized my mistake. If I continued to hold my grief inside, the result would be disastrous—physically, emotionally, spiritually.

But I still didn’t know what to do about it.

“Okay, Lord. I know I need to grieve. You’ve shown me that. But how in the world am I supposed to do this? You’re going to have to give me a place to cry.”

And He did.

I realized there was a time when I was all alone. It was only a 20-minute window of time, but it was enough.

This may sound strange to some, but my bathroom became a place of refuge—the place where I poured out my grief to God.

With the door locked and the shower running, no one could hear my sobs. No one could see my tears.

No one but Jesus.

As the warm water poured down, washing away the cares of the day, hot tears flowed down my face, washing the wounds of my soul.

Every night for months, I met Jesus there. He held me as I cried, and comforted me as only One Who knew the depths of my anguish could comfort.

As I allowed myself to grieve, I began the slow process of healing. I also gained strength, which I would need for the upcoming years. Although I didn’t know it at the time, my battle was not nearing an end. In fact, it was just beginning.

I believe if I hadn’t grieved during this time, I wouldn’t have gained the strength and healing I desperately needed for the years to follow.

My friend, please hear this:

If you have faced a great loss, you must take  time to grieve that loss.

It doesn’t matter what kind of loss it is. You may have lost your marriage as I did, or lost your spouse in death. You may have lost a child, whether they departed from this earth in death or from your presence in rebellion. Perhaps you’ve lost a relationship, your home, your health, or a life-long dream.

It really doesn’t matter what the loss is—you must grieve.

Even Jesus grieved deeply. We see Him weeping over the lost, weeping over Jerusalem, weeping in the Garden before facing the cross.

My friend, it’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to pour out your heart to God.

As you grieve, know that God is with you. Know that He holds you close and keeps every tear.

Know that His Word is full of promises to help you in your time of sorrow. Find these promises, write them down, carry them with you. Don’t let them go—they are your lifeline.

Most of all, know this:

You won’t always feel as you do today. One day, the tears will stop falling. Your heart will stop breaking.

The sun will shine again.

Until then, take all the time you need to grieve. Everything will be okay, because you are held safe in the arms of Jesus.

“Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I;

For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings.”

(Psalm 61:1-4)

For ordering information on my devotional book, Tales from Toddlers, click HERE.

To download the first chapter free of charge, click HERE.